it's amazing how the voice of a one time friendly foe can take you right back to 7th grade, one of the only kids without guess jeans. and in my case, i spent 3rd through 12th grade with the same girls...same friends...same enemies. in my corner was my lack of concern regarding gossip or childish games; on the surface trite & petty didn't effect me. and yet, on the inside it must have; when recently faced with "input" from an old "friend" it sent me in a downward spiral that took, for a small time, a spiritual tole on me [see "brick by brick..."]. i began to question my ability to perform on a new and exciting adventure. when certain people are stuck in the muck you used to be in, it's nearly impossible for them to encourage you and to see you as someone other than who you used to be.
a few days ago when i was venting via 'raw & real', i was processing some hurtful comments from an old friend. in grade school and high school i wasn't great at my relationships with other girls. i had experienced some early childhood trauma that left me unable to trust girls around my age, and marked me as the token tomboy. because i didn't 'care' about the other girls and because for a 'tomboy' i liked some very girlie things, i didn't have trouble making girlfriends; i just had trouble keeping them. i was aloof; they were snobs; i had tons of guy friends; some of them were their boyfriends....it was water and oil. when high school was done, i fled the scene and got as far away as i could from the girls who had shaped my idea of friendship for so long. they all went to the same university, joining the same sorority & life for them continued on as it always was. i don't see them often, or think of them much honestly...i no longer have nightmares of "mean girls" in epic proportions. i moved on to make some great girlfriends in college, and i am currently surrounded by the most amazing group of women. now i have friendships better than i once knew to wish for; friendships that are deep and intricate, fun and encouraging (kari kendra ashley beth mandy tracy shauna heather angie marina kelli hayley...just to name a few--love these girls). God has restored my faith in friendship and then some.
so why is it when someone from my past challenged my ability to embark on journey full steam ahead, did i allow myself to feel doubt, to feel unwelcome and unwanted (a generalized phrase i use a lot) on an adventure that had nothing to do with them. in fact the people whose opinions actually matter here have made me feel quite welcome and wanted. my how the enemy can grab ahold of our past fears and shift them into our current lives.
my advice to myself, and to anyone else who has been bombarded by past challengers is to "worry about nothing, pray about everything." once i settled myself down, i was able to do just that & to seek wise counsel and move on. because i'm a new creation.
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