sometimes, people are healed in an instant and like a lightening bolt coursing through their body they are freed of their ailments. Jesus can do this; He can spit in dirt, make mud, and bring life to dead eyes. I've known countless individuals who have not received this kind of healing--often the only form of freedom thought to be "miraculous"--who at the end of the day have surmised that God doesn't care, that He is overlooking their hurts. i have been that person. before truly understanding God's heart, i have cried out in the night "Father, why have you forsaken me?" it wasn't until truly hitting rock bottom and sitting in the muck and mire of hopelessness and helplessness, that i was able to look back on my life and see the many times i failed to give God credit for guiding me through painful times. and even then my spirit whined like a selfish toddler..."God, where are you? have you forgotten me? how long must i endure hell on earth?" when my friend offered "long enough to know that He is the only way out" my flesh rolled it's eyes and stomped an immature foot. in my mind, i ALREADY knew that Jesus was the only way; but in my heart of hearts, i was afraid that i wasn't good enough to be rescued, that He would leave me in despondence for the remainder of my time in this life.
to get me through the long days and longer nights, i did everything that i felt like God was leading me to do; i did countless hours of therapy and spirit rehabbing, i took medicines that had ridiculously humbling side effects like weight gain and acne. i had many breakthroughs. i put in months of daily trauma work and faced the things in my past and present that had eventually led me to a nervous breakdown. i worked. i put blood, sweat, and tears into conquering my demons. and while God was beside me the whole time, often carrying me, i still felt unsure that i would ever really get back to my true self.
in the meantime, God placed incredible people on my road to recovery. i leaned on these people; i heard His voice in their words, i was confident in their prayers and in their help. i recognized their place in my journey, their heart messages from Abba singing, "I am here, I am for you, & I am the way to freedom." i also relied on modern science, on the medicines that were a crutch for my broken spirit. i thanked God for the hospital i frequented, the place where i found some rest in knowing that i wasn't alone in my pitiful state. i believe that God built that hospital for me. i believe that He created brain shifting mechanisms in therapy and meds, to gently lead me back to wholeness. too much had happened in my past, too many hurts and traumas. humanly i could not get through smoothing those bumps in the road out, just as spiritually i couldn't succeed without a real understanding of His love for me.
almost a year later, i am living fully. i retrieved the stolen lights from my eyes. i stand on two feet, where once i hadn't been able to get off of my knees. i see that God did in fact lead me though the most painful and self-doubting year of my life to have me victoriously sprint through the ribbon at the end of that race. i am conscious of the devil and impressed by God. for the time being, i'm therapy free and taking about an 1/18th of the meds i started on last year. and in all honesty, i feel as though God did heal me in an instant; it may have been a very long and painstaking instant...but compared to what i was up against, it's pretty amazing how short lived that particular hour of crisis ended up being.
why? how? obedience. faith. perseverance. will. GOD.
kris
to get me through the long days and longer nights, i did everything that i felt like God was leading me to do; i did countless hours of therapy and spirit rehabbing, i took medicines that had ridiculously humbling side effects like weight gain and acne. i had many breakthroughs. i put in months of daily trauma work and faced the things in my past and present that had eventually led me to a nervous breakdown. i worked. i put blood, sweat, and tears into conquering my demons. and while God was beside me the whole time, often carrying me, i still felt unsure that i would ever really get back to my true self.
in the meantime, God placed incredible people on my road to recovery. i leaned on these people; i heard His voice in their words, i was confident in their prayers and in their help. i recognized their place in my journey, their heart messages from Abba singing, "I am here, I am for you, & I am the way to freedom." i also relied on modern science, on the medicines that were a crutch for my broken spirit. i thanked God for the hospital i frequented, the place where i found some rest in knowing that i wasn't alone in my pitiful state. i believe that God built that hospital for me. i believe that He created brain shifting mechanisms in therapy and meds, to gently lead me back to wholeness. too much had happened in my past, too many hurts and traumas. humanly i could not get through smoothing those bumps in the road out, just as spiritually i couldn't succeed without a real understanding of His love for me.
almost a year later, i am living fully. i retrieved the stolen lights from my eyes. i stand on two feet, where once i hadn't been able to get off of my knees. i see that God did in fact lead me though the most painful and self-doubting year of my life to have me victoriously sprint through the ribbon at the end of that race. i am conscious of the devil and impressed by God. for the time being, i'm therapy free and taking about an 1/18th of the meds i started on last year. and in all honesty, i feel as though God did heal me in an instant; it may have been a very long and painstaking instant...but compared to what i was up against, it's pretty amazing how short lived that particular hour of crisis ended up being.
why? how? obedience. faith. perseverance. will. GOD.
kris
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