So its been awhile. Not sure what to write, just sure its time so I guess itll come to me, hopefully.
Your mind, what a wonderful and dangerous tool, such a paradox. The brain is the most powerful thing in the World, you all have heard perception is reality. Well that is the case, what you perceive is true to yourself. When getting ready to watch a scary movie, the anticipation is the scariest part, because what you imagine can be far worse than what you will see, because your brain can take something and run wild if you let it. Sometimes I can not turn mine off, sometimes my perception is way off, sometimes I see what others think and believe, sometimes I am way off.
Over the past few months on this journey I have been on, my brain has been the key, I am in the process of learning to relearn how I think, what is really important and what to use as motivation. What I once held as important is no longer the case. I used to do something to help turn my brain off, which then just clouded my brain even more and made it kinda useless. I use to cloud it to push everything in a dark closet so I wouldnt have to face things or made it to where I couldnt "over think" anything. I used to smoke pot...there its out. It feels good to be able to say "I used to...". I no longer do and I do not miss it, I am no longer held captive by it, no longer am I afraid that someone will find out, it has NO power over me. It was wrong for me to do it, I have repented and it is nothing that will keep me from success, nothing I am afraid that someone will find out, it has no power over me anymore. I identified myself with that for so many years I was afraid I wouldnt be cool without it, when in fact I was afraid to really turn my power on and use my full potential. Why? I was afraid of failing so my perception was I will just handicap myself so if I never succeed I have an excuse. Thanks be to God I no longer have that fear, I am quite unafraid of anything now, but I still get rather frustrated with myself.
The one thing I am struggling with at this point in my journey is being aware that my brain can lie to me and learn to distinguish what is true and what is not true. It gets hard sometimes to realize that my perception is not reality, but my perception. I have been told that I need to learn to keep my mouth shut at times, which might be true. The reason I do not, is if it is out there, my brain cannot trick me, taking a tiny little snowball and turning it into an avalanche. By getting things out I am causing much smaller controlled avalanches to avoid a catastrophe. I still am struggling with how open is too open, how closed is too closed. I have so much to share that God and Jesus have done in my entire life that I am trying to figure out what to say, what not to say. I feel by sharing I might be able to help someone else figure something out, to help someone avoid pitfalls that Ive had to climb out of and still climbing out of. The key I have found out is life is a marathon, I have embraced this actually, I might say even more like a triathlon, you have to know when to run, swim, and bike depending on the situation, and know when to rest. It is easy for people who have not been through the same experiences to say"why dont/didnt you do this and that", that kinda just irritates me at this point. I know where I am going, I seek others for wisdom on moving forward, not looking backwards, I can do that on my own thank you. Most of all I seek wisdom from God and the Holy Spirit, as it is the purest wisdom, wiser than any humanly wisdom, it is wisdom I pray for every day and night followed by the ears to hear His wisdom and the eyes to see His direction. In this journey of mine it is a slow process like an oak tree growing, but I am planted near a stream that is growing me taller and stronger with the biggest fruit this side of the Mississippi....in its season.
I am rambling deal with it :), I will ramble on
"A man is worth his wages", something someone wiser than me said in passing that really hit me. My largest source of frustration right now is my dang job. I feel that is true and such a source of frustration right now, but it is frustration I have embraced. I am thankful for my job, a decent paying job. Due to some really dumb choices I made though it is just enough to survive, not thrive. The environment I work in is the same, good enough to survive, not thrive. It might sound weird that I have embraced this frustration, but its the truth, it doesnt mean I love it, but it is what it is. i am here for a reason, this is a season of learning, a season of fertilizing and establishing deep roots. I know I am getting ready to sprout the juiciest fruit, its already begun. I know this because God has told me, he has told me, be patient and rely upon Me. Thats the other thing, I have begun to look elsewhere but not whole heartily because something else I pray everyday is "come down and do something that can only be explained by you so I will be able to further Your kingdom, not mine." He will provide, I am not worried about that, but I also tell him to "hurry up Big Guy". He knows I am joking...kind of. So back to the opening sentence, "a man is worth his wages", that is true, and very frustrating because I know what I am worth.
Next tangit...prophesying. I have always been intrigued by this, always. From biblical to Nostradamus to sports. The key to success in sports is visualizing...aka prophesy. Someday I will share, hopefully face to face, the multiple instances where this has happened. I am a much bigger fan of communicating face to face, eye to eye. You see some people misunderstand that prophesy is "word for word", not usually the case. My instances are always visualizations, literally, in my head I will see something that is not happening at this time. One instance was when a good friend of mine was talking about doing things you know are wrong and then Weekend at Bernies was spoke about right after that in the case of becoming the dead guy at Weekend at Bernies, just there but not. That is such a great movie, it had been years since I had heard about it. Well the next night when I was doing something I knew I shouldnt be doing with company that I knew I shouldnt be with, he started talking about Weekend at Bernies. Holy cow...it hit me and God said "what else do I really need to do!?!" Those two days are the only two days where I have either seen or heard Weekend at Bernies mentioned in probably 15 years. The latest instance of this was yesterday. On the way home I had a visual of a car accident happening, crossing the median and the black car ending up on its side and traffic coming at the roof of the car and my thoughts were wow there is no surviving that, getting hit on the roof. Well last night wifey came up on an accident fresh after it happened prior to the rescue teams arriving. It was a black car on its side with the roof facing the oncoming traffic, she nearly hit the roof, I mean nearly. When she got home and told me this story God also told me you have the gift but do not know what to do with it or how to use it.
So like I said it was time to get back on here. To write who knows what. To write what I wrote. Like it or not, it doesnt matter, I am supposed to be doing this
It is what it is, and this be it
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