Today

Today has been a good day, and will be a good day.  As I woke up this morning I wondered what the day would bring, and what I would write about.  You see this is me being me, and my attempt to live out my calling, and for whatever reason I find the need to share for me to grow into who I am created to be.  So I have committed to writing to hold myself accountable to something, and to myself.  Don't ask me why, but I know this will help.

I promised my oldest son Jack that I would wake up early and take him to get star wars Lego's with his allowance he saved up before I went to work.  I am not a morning person, so there was a motive to this logic that was self fulfilling.  Taking him would make me wake up early and make sure the house isn't destroyed so when my wifey woke up, the first thing she saw wasn't a house that had got torn apart by the two boys....lola lou is a sleeper so she stays in bed, usually ours by this time and snuggles with her mommy.  I got up and wondered what the day would bring and how I would see the beauty of the day, then hopped into the shower.  Jackman made his bed and cleaned his room up then ate his breakfast.  I could get used to this morning business I think, I thought.  Theres some thinking going on there.  Off we went to Target to pick his Lego's out, and man alive he was quick at it, and usually he takes his time as he is a thinker.  I thanked him as I am trying to be on time to work all the time.  Went to drop him and rouse my ladies out of bed and as we pulled into the driveway Isaac was being his jovial self at the window, that is until we got inside.  Isaac, my 3 year old, then decided it wasn't fair Jack got Lego's and he didn't get a dirt bike.  I tried to explain that Jack saved his money up and if he did the same he could get a dirt bike, which didnt work.  I mean what 3 yr old who just woke up is going to think that makes sense....c'mon dad.

So like I said I am trying to not be late to work, which isnt easy for me, in large part because my heart is not in it(but i will say i put in more than 40 hours a week which I am paid for).  As I was growing up I had the dream to work for one company, work my way up ladder and become a CEO.  This wasnt a goal out of greed, this was a goal to show the greed how you lead.  I have worked for a fortune 100 company wholly owned by Berkshire Hathaway(Buffet is a great man) for about 8 years now.  Started green right out of college.  Its a distribution company so I am over about 100 drivers and office staff.  I care about those I lead so I put my heart into it for about 6.5 years.  Developed many new tools that benefits those I lead while increasing retention by 40% and decreasing costs by about several hundred thousand dollars over the years.  I developed tools that helped improve our communication between departments and those we lead.  I was truly leading and felt fulfilled....truly leading the people I get paid to leave, but more on that topic another day.  After years of unfulfilled promises by upper management and multiple shift changes on short notice, no gratitude expressed by my leaders, and not worth mentioning raises worth no mention.  I was looking for repayment of sorts through the work, literal blood, sweat, and tears I put in.  I have received many accolades from those I lead, but I cant get past feeling taken advantage of for others gain.  If anyone is going to do that, it better be my families gain or His gain.  So I am officially burned out by corporate america, which leads me to my next thought, my calling.....

I am called to lead, I know that, I have been blessed and anointed.  I am called to lead to build His kingdom, whether in the church or elsewhere, which I wholeheartedly believe I am doing.  I am similar to the prodigal son though.  I had a good upbringing from my parents who trusted God to lead me more than themselves, which I am grateful for.  I am not grateful for the rather dumb choices I made while away though as I found myself making dumb choices, including my "inheritance"...I royally screwed up my finances, my families finances.  Not beyond repair though, the only major debt we have is school loans, but just seem to be stuck with not enough revenue to fix the problem I created.  I am not woe is me, as I have been filled with the power of the Holy Spirit and a faith I have never experienced.  I know now that I am in the Fathers house again its gonna be a-ok, but just dont know how.  I guess thats why its called faith ey?  Which bringing it back full circle, I am not sure where I am lead to call, if it is at the same company that thinks it is ok to continue to take my work for granted.  I am not greedy, but in need of a increase in our income to be able to fix the problems I created.  I want that to be clear, I own this problem.  I am taking very firm steps in the right direction, but I want to be able to provide for my family without stress about money, is there enough gas to take kids here, or do what we need to do to build His kingdom.  I am gaining wisdom from those wiser than me and I know I am truly leading our family now, but I placed them in mud so its a journey back, a sluggish slow journey, but trust me through His work, its a journey that I am excited to take.  I have truly laid our finances in faith, confessed to both parents of my errors, confessed to my authority figures in the Church, and confessed to God and Jesus that I royally screwed my inheritance up due to some rather stupid choices I made.  I am not perfect, far from it and now I am following Jesus, and trust in him that He will provide.  I know it in my bones.  I still spend money on not "wise" things, like Subway, espressos, and things that are not "needs", but I dont go by the latest gadget for myself, wheels for my car, etc.  The things we do spend money on, is things for our family and home generally speaking...a $2.00 espresso once a week is for me though ;).  We're workin on it, its improving drastically thanks be to Him....but a little supernatural help would be oh so appreciated.  After all like Ive said, its a work in progress, a pilgrimage that We are on.

Alright Ive rambled on long enough for now, forgive that but Im still trying to work this thing out.  It is going to be raw and real, not to edited, but perhaps I need to be more precise.  Oh well its a work in progress that Im figuring out as I go.  The only thing I know is Im supposed to be doing this for some reason or another, actually to become who I am supposed to become.  So you can like it or not....it is what it is and this be it