brick by brick my God will build me up

the enemy is working over time, & going after my sense of self in a major way.  through deceptive lies and whispers of doubt, i am seeing my self-confidence be chipped away.  i am catching myself wondering "am i smart enough, am i good enough, do people like me?"  my heart is heavy and my attempts to positively see myself through friends' eyes are falling short. 

lately, we've been hearing clearly from God and boldly obeying; even when that means stepping way outside of our comfort zone.  i was so excited and beyond happy for our family, until satan started taking hits at our future plans.  it's been awhile since i've been in a position to be attacked by enemy fire, and by 'awhile' i mean a few months.  when every move you make is carefully considered and weighed, and is dependant upon hearing a yes or a no from God, satan does what he can to keep your flesh awake and weak to temptation.  and once you've successfully conquered temptation, the devil feeds on your thoughts and images of self.  seeds of doubt can easily take root and overthrow a tended garden.  

i am feeling unwanted, unwelcome, like a burden that weighs down the rest of the ship.  i'm believing that i am the weakest link (goodbye)...that the friends i've invested in are annoyed by me...that i don't know how to be friends with women....that when we heard from God we were really hearing ourselves and our selfish desires...that the plans we've made for our family aren't blessed & are making the boat's captain angry and irritated...that we aren't good enough...we don't add up. 

it's important to put a voice on silent fears, so that they don't orchestrate a mutiny.    

and then comes the tough part, rebuilding the pieces of us that the eye cannot see.  somehow it is historically easier to believe the bad and drag your feet trying to pump yourself up enough to even accept the good.  but that paints a picture of wavering faith.  with faith, a vibrant and astounding masterpiece can be created.  with doubt, colors remain dulled and gray...never reaching their true potential, never being seen the way their maker intended.  it's takes courage and strength to believe the truth, especially when the truth is bolder and asks more of than you think you can offer.  in baseball terms, if you get hit fielding a ground ball it's not always easy to shake it off.  but if you want to stay in the game and make your team proud, you do.

in the word we read that "no eyes has seen, no ear has heard, and no mind has imagined what God has prepared for those who love Him" (1 Cor 2:9).  this must mean that in my humanness, i can't even imagine the goodness God has in store for my family.  i know that His plans for me are HUGE, i can feel it in every atom of my being.  and yet, bigger are the plans of God than anything i could dream.  we also read in ephesians 3 that "by God's mighty power at work within us, he is able to accomplish infinitely more than we would ever dare to ask or hope".  in this i find reassurance, and rest in the knowledge that it is God working through me and not the other way around.  in essence, i only have to know the score...God has the stat sheet and is managing quite well.  i don't have to come up with every idea, and even if i tried to i would fail.  but to express and rely on the ideas that the Great I Am has cultivated in my heart and in my mind, is truly where my character and work will stand the test of time.  

strong faith takes balance and wisdom.  in hebrews faith is described as "the confident assurance that what we hope for is going to happen.  it is the evidence of things we cannot yet see."  if i believe in God (i do) and i believe in his lamb (i do) then my faith will put itself in action.  i can combat the tiresome self-condemnation because i have the word of God himself to pour over, relate to, piece my tired heart back together with.  the truth is, my faith is larger than my doubt, and my father's eyes are the only eyes i need to be seen through.  i need to filter my future worries and sensitive nature through the colander of He who loves me and created me.  and there, i will find a masterpiece every time.

kris     

Wow, I couldn't believe what just hit me

So, it is after midnight regardless of what the time says on the blogaroo as I have noticed it is a couple hours behind schedule, c'mon time! so my sabbath be over, hence I am here to share what i experienced on my sabbath.

I slept in a bit today as the past week has been short on sleeping hours, but in a good way.  I got up to all three kiddos wide awake, but being quite and playing.  So the day begins. 

On my list first was going to get food for the fam, as it had been put off long enough.  Now I know that some will say, if its your sabbath why are you going grocery shopping, thats not rest.  Yes I know, but it is not work.  You see, I was taking a sabbath, which my interpretation was "make no plans" .  Jesus said it best in Mark 2 when...

 ²⁵ He answered, “Have you never read what David did when he and his companions were hungry and in need? ²⁶ In the days of Abiathar the high priest, he entered the house of God and ate the consecrated bread, which is lawful only for priests to eat. And he also gave some to his companions.”

You see, when you gotta eat, you gotta eat.  So I got the two little ones and we were getting ready to go to Aldi for groceries for the week.  I had a short list and short money supply, $41 to be exact.  So I decided to pray, Jesus you know our needs please provide our needs today, if you can take some fish and bread and feed thousands from that, surely you can take this $41 and feed us five.  Off we were, got inside and got everything on the list with the addition of granola bars, freezer pops, and an extra bag of carrots.  As we were waiting to checkout this really nice old lady was talking with the kiddos, mainly isaac, and we chatted about stages of life.  It came to be my turn and I told the cashier, "work your magic, I have limited funds".  So as the total was ringing up I was thinking, oh man this is gonna be close, but if I have to get rid of the popsicles and granola bars, so be it.  The total rang up to $45.88...batman I was so close!  As I was getting ready to take the popsicles and granola bars off she asked "how much do you have?" and then said I'll cover the rest... 

^{Matthew 21:21} Jesus replied, “Truly I tell you, if you have faith and do not doubt, not only can you do what was done to the fig tree, but also you can say to this mountain, ‘Go, throw yourself into the sea,’ and it will be done. ²² If you believe, you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer.”

Wow, I couldn't believe what just hit me...I went back to her and said thank you so much, you have no idea...before I got her I prayed to Jesus that this $41 covers our needs, you will provide, and then you did that...bless you, I am beside myself.  Then my eyes started to well up.  She quickly headed to the back and that was that.  As soon as I got home I had to tell Jackman and and the mrs., needless to say they were in amazement.  I am not going to minimize that experience, but for now, that be that.

We then ate lunch, did some cleaning and went to the pool.  The main topic at the pool was some random people saw Isaac and said, "the jumpy jumpy kid is back".  IZ likes to jump in the pool all day long, from the edge or while in the water, whether he can touch or not, because in his eyes he can swim.  That gave our hearts a smile.

We got back from the pool and I fired the ol grill up for cheeseburgers and hot dogs, lou like hers cut up really really tiny.  Yup two reallys every time.  The wifey then organized and cleaned lous room.  We ate and then cleaned up while Kris went back to lous room.  I told the kiddos that after dinner we were going outside, we had work to do.  One of her friends showed up so it was perfect timing.  I cleaned the gardens out while the kiddos did their thing.  After I cleaned the gardens out the wifey and her friend were still chatting so I thought what the heck, Ill mow the yard, so I did.

You see, i do not work seven days a week, this was my sabbath.  This was a day for me to make no plans, rest my mind and I did just that.  By doing so I was resting on the sabbath and allowing the Holy Spirit to work.  By doing so we got the house cleaned, pool done, movie watched, gardens clean, yard mowed, and had a prayer answered, tangibly and visibly.  This was not the first day I have had prayers answered, but the first time I have had a specific prayer answered immediately with a visible and tangible result.  This was the first day in a long time, possibly ever that I have grasped what the sabbath is...a day to let the Holy Spirit work and show off, not a day where 'mans' work is done.

Jesus fed and can feed thousands of people.  Jesus is my provider.

It is what it is, and this be it

Sabbath

yup, Im taking a sabbath today...

it is what it is, and this be it

Wind

and Christ and His power giving through the Holy Spirit is our wind.  Don't fool yourself to believing all wind is good...look at Joplin, MO and what the wind did to them...

Direction "take two"

stupid computer. 

Alright, as I was saying now that I have my calling squared away, it leads me to the direction of this thing, which is...

^Genesis2:24 That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh.

My wife, Kris spoke to me today and said, hey this isn't just YOUR journey here.  The capitalization for added influence was my interpretation of what she said, due to the fact it isn't MY journey here, it is OURS.  The thing is I had been toying with the same concept, but her more in the editing role.  Nope, she wasn't having that idea in mind she wanted to contribute more than "just an editor".  I completely agreed because it isn't my journey, this is a journey of us, for us, and for His glory.  I am truly thankful that I have a wife that isn't afraid to speak up and be feisty if need be...God bless her.  In Genesis 20 it is said "and there Abraham said of his wife Sarah, “She is my sister.”

As mentioned in a previous post I said WE are pastors of Samaria, it is only fitting that the direction becomes OUR direction.  As i was reading James 3 today I came across James 3:4

⁴ Or take ships as an example. Although they are so large and are driven by strong winds, they are steered by a very small rudder wherever the pilot wants to go., and started thinking on it. 

I am charting a course now in my life, and when you chart a course you think about direction, hmmm.  The tongue is the rudder it'll steer you, but which direction are you heading?  You see with your eyes in direction, hmmm, boat, rudders, sails...compass, you look at a compass which provides the direction.  So the tongue will steer you there and your vision will provide direction, and the sail will give you the power you need.  I don't know about you, but my heart gives me power, without it, no blood pumps and your stuck in dead wind.  I grew up on a sailboat on the weekends and if you've ever been in the middle of somewhere stuck with no wind, you are o-ffic-o-lly stuck, that is unless you have an outboard and gas, but for this, there were no outboards, they had paddles....shudders, canoed 97 miles with no current, that sucks also. 

So, wrapping this up...WE are pastors from Samaria, for Samaritans, for His kingdom.  This is our story...

Vision is focus, direction...you see your destination.  Your tongue is the rudder which steers, ur eyes the compass, and your heart the sails. 

Our sails are full...Are yours?

It is what it is, and this be it...

P.S.  I am very thankful for a laptop, but not a big fan of this one, its giving me fits, its got this dumb mouse thingy that just makes me want to ARGHHHH...and it did it again!!!!

Direction

So, now i have my "calling" squared away.  St²⁴ That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh. ep two was finding a direction for this thing...and that leads me to this.

P.S. Blessed

today, my Moms surprised us and paid the property tax on our car

Pops aint bad either

Short and Sweet

I can't wait to tell my story...

it is what it is, and this be it

Samaria

Well the past few days Ive been trying to find the direction of this, where Im going...so here it is.

This is "my" story, of how Jesus is molding me in my life and the impact he has on me, my family, and life.  This is meant to glorify Him.

Secondly, I am not a bible scholar, nor will I pretend to be one.  I know the principles of Jesus and his teachings and God the Father, not the exacts.  If you want exacts, I will gladly direct you to those wiser than myself on that.

Thirdly, this is not meant for giving instructions, you want those look up "my" verse, the first non-sunday school verse I leaned on and held tight.  James 1:22, and it goes like this....Do not merely listen to the Word and so deceive yourselves, but do what it says..."  You want instructions, meditate on that verse and watch where it points you in the Word of God, but prepare your heart and mind for the journey.

Fourthly, I have eluded to my calling, and this is it...And he said to them, "Follow me, and I will make you fishers of men."(Matthew 4:19)

Fithly, I am from Samaria.  I am sent to help Samaritans learn to fish and eat.  We are pastors from Samaria, for Samaritans to build His kingdom

This is my pilgrimage.  It is what it is and this be it

Today

Today has been a good day, and will be a good day.  As I woke up this morning I wondered what the day would bring, and what I would write about.  You see this is me being me, and my attempt to live out my calling, and for whatever reason I find the need to share for me to grow into who I am created to be.  So I have committed to writing to hold myself accountable to something, and to myself.  Don't ask me why, but I know this will help.

I promised my oldest son Jack that I would wake up early and take him to get star wars Lego's with his allowance he saved up before I went to work.  I am not a morning person, so there was a motive to this logic that was self fulfilling.  Taking him would make me wake up early and make sure the house isn't destroyed so when my wifey woke up, the first thing she saw wasn't a house that had got torn apart by the two boys....lola lou is a sleeper so she stays in bed, usually ours by this time and snuggles with her mommy.  I got up and wondered what the day would bring and how I would see the beauty of the day, then hopped into the shower.  Jackman made his bed and cleaned his room up then ate his breakfast.  I could get used to this morning business I think, I thought.  Theres some thinking going on there.  Off we went to Target to pick his Lego's out, and man alive he was quick at it, and usually he takes his time as he is a thinker.  I thanked him as I am trying to be on time to work all the time.  Went to drop him and rouse my ladies out of bed and as we pulled into the driveway Isaac was being his jovial self at the window, that is until we got inside.  Isaac, my 3 year old, then decided it wasn't fair Jack got Lego's and he didn't get a dirt bike.  I tried to explain that Jack saved his money up and if he did the same he could get a dirt bike, which didnt work.  I mean what 3 yr old who just woke up is going to think that makes sense....c'mon dad.

So like I said I am trying to not be late to work, which isnt easy for me, in large part because my heart is not in it(but i will say i put in more than 40 hours a week which I am paid for).  As I was growing up I had the dream to work for one company, work my way up ladder and become a CEO.  This wasnt a goal out of greed, this was a goal to show the greed how you lead.  I have worked for a fortune 100 company wholly owned by Berkshire Hathaway(Buffet is a great man) for about 8 years now.  Started green right out of college.  Its a distribution company so I am over about 100 drivers and office staff.  I care about those I lead so I put my heart into it for about 6.5 years.  Developed many new tools that benefits those I lead while increasing retention by 40% and decreasing costs by about several hundred thousand dollars over the years.  I developed tools that helped improve our communication between departments and those we lead.  I was truly leading and felt fulfilled....truly leading the people I get paid to leave, but more on that topic another day.  After years of unfulfilled promises by upper management and multiple shift changes on short notice, no gratitude expressed by my leaders, and not worth mentioning raises worth no mention.  I was looking for repayment of sorts through the work, literal blood, sweat, and tears I put in.  I have received many accolades from those I lead, but I cant get past feeling taken advantage of for others gain.  If anyone is going to do that, it better be my families gain or His gain.  So I am officially burned out by corporate america, which leads me to my next thought, my calling.....

I am called to lead, I know that, I have been blessed and anointed.  I am called to lead to build His kingdom, whether in the church or elsewhere, which I wholeheartedly believe I am doing.  I am similar to the prodigal son though.  I had a good upbringing from my parents who trusted God to lead me more than themselves, which I am grateful for.  I am not grateful for the rather dumb choices I made while away though as I found myself making dumb choices, including my "inheritance"...I royally screwed up my finances, my families finances.  Not beyond repair though, the only major debt we have is school loans, but just seem to be stuck with not enough revenue to fix the problem I created.  I am not woe is me, as I have been filled with the power of the Holy Spirit and a faith I have never experienced.  I know now that I am in the Fathers house again its gonna be a-ok, but just dont know how.  I guess thats why its called faith ey?  Which bringing it back full circle, I am not sure where I am lead to call, if it is at the same company that thinks it is ok to continue to take my work for granted.  I am not greedy, but in need of a increase in our income to be able to fix the problems I created.  I want that to be clear, I own this problem.  I am taking very firm steps in the right direction, but I want to be able to provide for my family without stress about money, is there enough gas to take kids here, or do what we need to do to build His kingdom.  I am gaining wisdom from those wiser than me and I know I am truly leading our family now, but I placed them in mud so its a journey back, a sluggish slow journey, but trust me through His work, its a journey that I am excited to take.  I have truly laid our finances in faith, confessed to both parents of my errors, confessed to my authority figures in the Church, and confessed to God and Jesus that I royally screwed my inheritance up due to some rather stupid choices I made.  I am not perfect, far from it and now I am following Jesus, and trust in him that He will provide.  I know it in my bones.  I still spend money on not "wise" things, like Subway, espressos, and things that are not "needs", but I dont go by the latest gadget for myself, wheels for my car, etc.  The things we do spend money on, is things for our family and home generally speaking...a $2.00 espresso once a week is for me though ;).  We're workin on it, its improving drastically thanks be to Him....but a little supernatural help would be oh so appreciated.  After all like Ive said, its a work in progress, a pilgrimage that We are on.

Alright Ive rambled on long enough for now, forgive that but Im still trying to work this thing out.  It is going to be raw and real, not to edited, but perhaps I need to be more precise.  Oh well its a work in progress that Im figuring out as I go.  The only thing I know is Im supposed to be doing this for some reason or another, actually to become who I am supposed to become.  So you can like it or not....it is what it is and this be it

Chapter 1

Allright, I give disclaimer this is raw, but it is real.

Who is God?  Are you a believer or not?  These are the basic questions. 

First I will start by saying, completely a believer.  For all I care He could've said, "I am God...pow" and big bad bang happened.  I am not here to argue my faith.  What next.  God made many attempts to show his power and love, whether it be dinosurs back in the day going off pure survival of the fittess, no brains, but good and evil.  He could have said "this is not me, this is not love", "i will create man".  Man was good, very good indeed.  But the God said "this is not me, this is not love".  God then creates woman from man and says to himself, "this is love".  God is God of ALL ages.

Who is Jesus?  Jesus is the pure and spotless Lamb, the one and only human connection to God the Father.  That is who Jesus is.  Jesus is leader of all humankind.  Name me one other person who has made the deaf hear, the mute talk, the lame walk again.  Silence, yeah thats what I thought.

Who am I?  I have wondered this myself my entire existence of about 31.  It was a struggle of both the "good" and "bad" of the world, and of the spiritual realm as well.  I was a good kid, shy, sweet, caring, and chubby.....let me tell you, that can make for a difficult childhood.  So i lived in the ghetto for the first seven or eight years of my life, come to find out a serial killer had been living on my block as I was growing up, Bob Berdela...or something like that, google him.  interesting character to say the least.  In fact such an upstanding guy who was a head of neighboorhood watch at one point.  We found this out when living in our next house in Olathe while the news broke when my Mom was making dinner.  Then there were two men in a homosexual relationship living next to me.  Am i a homophobic, no...do I agree with homosexuaity, no.  Do I judge, nope.  Thou shall not cast the first stone.  Thats not my place to judge.  Our house was real nice though, my pops put a lot of work into it and it showed, right accross from swope park as well.  After work was completed we sold the house and moved out to Olathe, Kansas when blackbob was a gravel road.  Google that if you want to as well.

After moving to Olathe I got bullied extensively by kids in the neighboorhood which spilled into the school a little as well.  At times these same bullies were my best friends though, and not all were bad, but then "cool" mentality would sneek in and it was quickly 5 or 6 against one.  The end to this then came to these friends came about when the "biggest bully" made fun of my chubby "boobies," fondly nicknamed joobs as we were playing nintendo.  Enough was enough I pushed him, he asked if I "wanted to take it outside", I said sure, we went outside and I proceeded to pummel him quite extensively and shattered a nuckle in the process.  Needless to say I felt justice, recieved no punishment, I was a "good" kid.  So I switched friends in junior high, quickly made two "best friends" which lasted until gossip ended that.  The cycle repeats itself in one form or another, serching for that relationship I knew existed.  Then in college I thinned out, joined a frat at K-State, because I was "getting out".  College was great, all around great, but I was still searching.  Searchng for the love that God created then expressed Himself through His only begotten Son, Jesus.  Needless to say I found that love, thanks be to God....my love

I am now 31 years of age, and coming to a season where you really find out who you are and what your "calling" is.  I am a happily married man of 8 years, blessed with three kiddos I adore, one of which Lola Lou happens to be laying by me on our dog Daisy Mae as I write this.  I always told my wife, I wanted one miny-her, and I got her.  She is so precious.  You will hear about her, Jackman, and Iz as this continues, that much I promise you.

So this is it, this is me, this is my take...raw and real